Factual Fiction and Other Such Lies
by Seal1
Summary: Sequel to "The Book", it's not essential to read "The Book" first, but it is helpful. My version of what would happen if the books were written by someone unexpected. Non HBP and DH compliant.


**Factual Fiction and Other Such Lies**

Disclaimer:

I don't own any of the characters in this little story; I just own the computer it was typed on.

Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Supreme Mugwump, possessor of two Order of Merlin first class medals settled back into his chair, an expression of discontent on his face.

He started slightly as his reverie was interrupted by Severus Snape's resonant voice saying "You've finished, then?"

"Yes. Actually, I finished an hour ago, but I wanted to re-read some sections." Dumbledore glanced at the clock on his wall, which read halfway between 'you're late for breakfast' and 'have an early lunch'. Hmmm. To brave the rest of the staff or not. His musings were interrupted by the sound of a book being emphatically slammed shut, followed by inarticulate grumbling from the sofa in the corner of his room.

"What's got you going, Potter?" Severus had a studiously innocent look on his face, his eyebrow raised inquisitively.

"Do you want the whole list? Why are you looking so pleased?" Harry sat up on the couch and shoved the final Harry Potter book onto the seat next to him.

"For once I'm not the greasy traitorous git I am in the other books. Pardon me if I find that just a bit refreshing."

Harry stared at Snape for a moment, considering several alternative responses. He settled for "I had no idea you were so interested in the fairer sex, Sev," accompanied by a small smirk.

Severus quirked an eyebrow at Harry as Dumbledore carefully hid a grin behind his hand. "What are you getting at, you fluffy headed mendicant?"

"Surely you've realized." Harry looked expectantly at the Potions Master. "You haven't, you really haven't." He held up his hand to forestall an outburst from the older man. "An order of Merlin is a pretty attractive enticement for a lot of women, but you've managed to become something that no woman can resist. Not only are you portrayed as a wounded hero, which will neatly net all the ones who just want to take care of you, you've also managed to be seen as the uncared for young boy in need of mothering, and the tortured man who carries a light for his 'One True Love' until his death, thereby becoming an irresistible challenge to all those women who want to make you forget about Lily. There's not a woman alive who won't fall into one of those categories. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if there's a line stretching around the castle and down to the gates of the school in the next few days, totally comprised of women who want to get their hands on one Severus Snape!"

Severus' expression had become more and more horrified as Harry explained, and he collapsed into the chair behind him. "Merlin's balls, Potter, you must be joking. Why would Parkinson do such a thing to me?"

"I think she was more serious about her proposition after she graduated than you thought she was, Severus," Dumbledore contributed, lacing his hands before him on his desk. "You'll recall that I said at the time we hadn't heard the last of it."

"Oh come now, Dumbledore, you can't possibly believe she's still mooning over me," Snape said in disbelief.

"No, but I do think she still cares for you, and this was the best way she could think of to express those feelings. You know, forbidden fruit is sweeter than that readily to hand. So she made you the surprise hero of the whole series."

Harry had been following the conversation with great interest. "I think I'm missing something here…what exactly was Pansy's proposition?"

A faint blush stained Snape's cheeks. "Surely you've run into silly young girls who would like nothing better than to have some "private tutoring" with a young professor? The type of tutoring that takes place in the professor's bedroom?"

Harry collapsed back on his sofa laughing loudly. "You and Parkinson? Never saw that one coming!"

"Oh grow up Potter, when you're head of a house we'll see how many sweet young things try to find their way into your bed. The first few years I taught I spent as much time chasing them out of my bedchamber as I did instructing them in class. And don't think that your being married will change anything. Although, come to think of it, if your wife gets wind of it, they may re-think things." Ginny Weasley's hexing abilities were fairly well known even now.

The sound of Minerva McGonagall's voice coming from the fireplace startled the men. "Albus, has it escaped your notice that it is time for lunch?" she asked in a faintly exasperated tone of voice.

Dumbledore winced slightly and answered. "No, Minerva, I noticed that it was time for lunch. Severus, Harry and I were having an important conversation and I rather thought we'd continue it up here through the lunch hour. I'll have one of the house elves bring some food for us." He watched the fire hopefully; perhaps his diversion would work this time?

"Albus Dumbledore," Minerva started in a stern voice. Harry winced a bit; he could remember that tone of voice being applied to him many times when he was a student. "The rest of the staff is present and would appreciate a wee bit of your all too important time. You aren't leaving us to pick up the slack this time, you old goat."

Dumbledore sank lower into his chair as his deputy spoke. "I suppose there isn't any hope I could give it a miss, is there?" The deafening silence in both his room and from the fireplace gave him the answer he didn't want. "Very well then, we'll be right down." He stood, twitched his crumpled robes into place, and eyed the two grinning young men sitting in front of him. "Don't think you're getting out of anything, if I have to go, you will accompany me."

The three men stood in front of the closed doors to the Great Hall wondering what lay in store for them on the other side. The mayhem caused by the appearance of "The Half Blood Prince" had tied up the owl post for days, resulting in long lines at the postal centers, which did nothing to sweeten the attitudes of those waiting on line to send a missive to the main characters of the stories. For some reason the authoress herself never seemed to garner the negative attention that Albus, Severus, and even Harry did.

Severus let out a huff of impatience, put his hands on the doors and threw both sides open. Better to make a triumphal entrance than to try and sneak in as though they'd done something wrong.

Albus eyed his staff some apprehension. While Pansy had greatly exaggerated the death of his sister and his supposed role in it, there had been enough truth to possibly make things uncomfortable for the next few days. He briefly considered retiring to his summer cottage by the sea, but Minerva knew where to find it, and he had the depressing feeling that she would take great joy in seeing him squirm. Better to face it and get it over with, he decided stepping forward and walked toward the table that had been set under some open windows.

The sound of their footsteps on the stone floor underscored the silence, which was becoming just a bit unnerving, Severus thought as he eyed his colleagues. Hmm. Minerva was watching them approach with a sour expression on her face. Nothing new there then. Pomona and Filius were impossible to read, a very unusual happening. Normally they were the easiest professors to read. Poppy looked as though she'd been crying, perhaps she'd been indulging in one of her summer romance novels?

Harry sank into his chair with a relieved sigh. At least no one had thrown anything at him. The day the fifth book was published he'd gone home to be greeted with the charming sight of his wife throwing a plate at him. Thankfully he'd managed to grab it before it hit anything breakable, like his head. He looked down the table toward Dumbledore and Snape, both of whom were settling into their chairs.

Dumbledore clasped his hands on the table in front of him and said "No need to ask if you have all finished book seven, I take it?"

"Ay, we've read it, and a right sorry read it was, too," Minerva bit out as she looked toward the headmaster. "Albus, how could you?"

Harry and Severus, both of whom had been watching the other professors carefully, leaned back in cautious relief. Apparently Albus was going to be the one to take the heat this time.

"Well, I," Albus began, hands spreading out conciliatorily.

"Surely it's not true, headmaster?" Pomona Sprout asked.

"Well, as I was about to say, it was grossly misrepresented in the story. I mean, I did know Grindelwald, he did spend a summer in Godric's Hollow, but I never said anything about joining him anything at all. And that whole bit about my sister, well that was patently false, you met my sister, Filius, did she strike you as mentally deranged?" Dumbledore turned hopefully to the charms professor as he spoke. Perhaps some help would come from that corner?

Filius turned toward him with what appeared to be an unaccustomed look of disgust on his face. "No more so than the rest of the family. And that is not what Minerva was referring to."

Albus looked down both sides of the long Faculty table. Every single staff member was in attendance, something that rarely happened during the summer holidays, especially since Voldemort was defeated. The only people who looked even moderately well disposed toward him were Harry and Severus, and they both appeared to be relieved that the attention wasn't on them. "Perhaps we can discuss this while we eat." He tapped his plate hoping that a good meal would soften their opinions of him, or at least allow him to think of what had them so exercised.

There was an uncomfortable silence as the staff helped themselves to the food that had appeared in front of them. Albus couldn't help but notice that the portions on his plate were significantly smaller than those of the staff around him. Apparently the house elves were in a mood too. He huffed a resigned sigh and picked up a rather dilapidated looking boiled carrot with his fork. He thought back through the events depicted in the book as he chewed. There wasn't a single incident that he could think of that would have provoked such a strong reaction from his colleagues. Ron Weasley and Severus were more likely targets in his opinion. For Merlin's sake, he wasn't even alive in book seven!

The meal was completed and the plates had been whisked away by the house elves before Minerva leaned forward to address the headmaster. "Albus, I have worked with you at Hogwarts decades, and I have never been so disappointed in your behavior. I believe we all deserve an explanation from you." The rest of the staff nodded in agreement and glared at Albus.

The headmaster leaned back in his chair and regarded them calmly. "I would be happy to explain whatever issue it is that needs clarification; however, I haven't the faintest idea what event you are referring to."

"I cannot believe that you would use that poor boy in such a way!" Professor Sprout exclaimed.

"My dear Pomona, I believe you were present for the majority of the Order of the Phoenix meetings, certainly the ones that Harry attended. I can't imagine how my treatment of Harry during that time is different from the book version." Dumbledore was still puzzled, how could a book have erased the professor's memories of what had actually occurred. Most of them had been active members of the Order of the Phoenix, and thus been present for the various meetings and events leading up to the final battle.

"Not Harry," McGonagall said with exasperation, "Severus."

Albus stared at his deputy, momentarily at a loss for words. "I beg your pardon; I appear to have missed the point. How have I abused Severus?"

"With all due respect, Albus, but I cannot believe you allowed that boy to be abused by Voldemort all those years without lifting a finger to help him. " Filius stirred his tea agitatedly with his spoon as he spoke. "For heavens sake, Albus, if only a tenth of the story is true, you put him at horrible risk."

A muffled snorting sound caught the headmaster's attention as he considered possible responses to his outraged faculty. Obviously Harry was enjoying the situation to its fullest. Two chairs down Severus' expression appeared as blank as usual, but the slight tremor of his shoulders gave the clue that revealed he was enjoying it just as much as Harry.

"Filius, you must remember, this is a work of fiction. You know from previous books that Ms. Parkinson weaves fiction into the factual happenings. Severus was never a spy, you know that. Minverva," he said, appealing to the Transfiguration professor, "you were present for most of the Order meetings, was Severus ever presented as a spy?"

Minerva considered for a few moments and opened her mouth to speak, only to be interrupted by the doors to the great hall being flung back with great force. 

"Dumbledore! I want a word!"

The Headmaster watched as his former spies, Lucius Malfoy and his son Draco, stomped toward the table, glaring venomously as they came. Perhaps a trip to the sea was in order after all


End file.
